Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Good News, Bad News

I spent the better part of the morning chilling with some charming elderly folks. From the sound of it, I was hanging out at the retirement center, catching up on the latest hip replacement gossip or learning what foods promote healthy bowel movements. But no, I was waiting in line to see the podiatrist for what we all feared might be gout ... the old man disease. One horrifying step away from orthopedic shoes.



My aunt Eunice has these.
I climb on an elevator heavily saturated with eau de geriatric, and smile at the lovely couple standing beside me. The man is holding his wife's wrinkled hand, and I can't help but wonder what it's like to be married for 60 years. I smile and wink as we disembark only to realize no one was actually looking at me; there was a glass eye involved.

Disturbed but determined, I slog through the phlegmy coughs in the waiting room and find my place in the exam room. 7 forms later, it's my chance to explain my inexplicable toe issues to the nurse. She stares at me like I'm offering an explanation in Klingon, because no, I don't know how I hurt it or why it's continuing to cause problems. That's why I'm here.
She whips out a big blue chux pad and begins to unfold it, all the while I start sweating in the corner. The last time I saw one of those, I was giving birth. I'm instructed to remove my sock and shoe. The doctor will be in shortly.

Mr. Doctor comes in, and we rehash the story I've told Ms. Nurse, only now I'm slightly off kilter and mumbly because I expect his reaction will mimic hers. Much to my delight, he smiles and nods enthusiastically. Now I fear I'm losing the toe, and he's just trying to put on a good face. Mr. Doctor asks about conditions completely unrelated to wonky toe, reinforcing my horrifying notion.

At lease he has a sense of humor. That
ought to go far on his eHarmony
post.

He lifts my foot and props it on his knee, telling me to relax it. My heart is little racey at this point as it looks like we're going to begin a sadistic game of This Little Piggy. Mr. Doctor wiggles and turns wonky toe, but there's no rhyming to his questions, so I relax. Lots of flinching later, he comes to one conclusion.




Good News: No gout! Whoot! Goodbye lifetime prescription to maintain my uric acid levels!

Bad News: I have an inexplicably wonky toe.

On the bright side, Mr. Doctor thinks it's something we can deal with, and it hasn't left any irreparable damage. Still, there's something depressing about being the only patient in the office who still has their real teeth. Meaning I have my real teeth, not the office. I'd have to be old to leave those behind.

In all seriousness, the elderly are awesome! Here's to old people full of wisdom and interesting stories!
Courtesy LG TopangaFilmFestival

1 comment:

  1. Hi Hope
    Thanks for your comments on my blog.
    I do give permission for people to use my images sometimes, it depends what it is for.
    Just email me at pareeerica@yahoo.com.au if you have anything in mind. :)

    ReplyDelete